Typing this right now is terrifying for me. I mean, not really. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy with one dog asleep on the couch beside me, another asleep at my feet. So, maybe it’s not such a terrifying situation. But the thought that someone will maybe read this & take it however they want. That’s really scary for me. I have this thing where I really want people to like me. I’ve heard other people have those feelings too. Maybe that’s just a rumor though.
I’ve tried this before.. the whole blogging thing.. you may already know that. I always stop. You probably know that too. I’m always scared. Maybe you assumed that, I don’t know.
I always come back.
Lately I cannot stop thinking about home. I think it has something to do with getting married, getting a couple dogs, renovating our house little by little.
But I also think it’s more than that. If I’m honest, I’ve actually been more obsessed with “home” than I’m letting on. Some recurring lines of thoughts have been..
“What is home?”
“Is it just my house?”
“I feel like it’s more like a feeling. Sometimes I feel at home when I’m not at home. Sometimes I feel at home on a walk and that may be weird.”
“But is that too hippy-dippy to say home is a feeling?”
I could keep going. But after all these thoughts, I still come to the same conclusion.. I think home is more something you carry, not somewhere you go. It feels more like pieces of yourself out in the real world. Alright, talk about hippy-dippy.
It also feels like something you can give.
So I’ve had this whole obsession with home & how it’s really an expression of ourselves & we probably feel most at home in the places we feel most free. And what if we could just feel free all the time? How!? Now I’m obsessed with that.. figuring out how to feel free.
I made a list of things that feel like freedom & feel like me.. writing was on my list. So here we are. Cooking is on that list, that’s why there’s recipes, too.
I’m still scared. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m so arrogant that I think I have something important to say. Or that I’m stupid. You’re probably a lot nicer than I’m fearing, sorry about that.
But, gosh. I just know deep in my bones there is something more. I don’t think more means “success” either, just to clarify. I think there’s just a bigger space that I can walk in where I feel even more like myself, more free from fear of other people’s opinions. But I feel like I’ve just found the door.
Here are my honest & vulnerable hopes for this:
I hope this blog helps you walk into that space for yourself, that you find what makes you feel more like you, unafraid.
I hope you enjoy my writing, even though I write like I talk.
I hope you find the recipes easy & delicious.
I hope the recipes look so easy & delicious that it helps you step out & have people around your table.
I hope that when those people are around your table you see that it is such a gift, not a task or performance.
I hope that our house renovations can give you a little encouragement if you’re living in a house you don’t love that you can change it!
I hope I help. I really do.
But here’s the thing, I know my tendency. I know that in a week.. a month.. I’m going to start rethinking this whole thing. I’m going to start finding excuses so I can stop & go back to being comfortable. So I really do hope this place helps & encourages you, but even if it doesn’t I’m going to keep showing up, keep trying.
Maybe no one will ever read this, but I have to keep reminding myself that’s not the goal. The goal is feeling at home in myself. So even if no one is coming, I’ll still be here. I’ll still be writing. I’ll still be creating recipes. I’m going to keep showing up. I hope you do too, wherever it feels scary, but also like life.
xx,
ellyn
